Staying Knotted

I believe we can never stop learning about life’s mysteries.

It hadn’t really bothered me before that the divorce rate in Singapore had been increasing year after year. When I hear of yet another couple filing for a divorce, the response had been no different from one I would use when someone tells me that his/her dog just died.

Then when a couple who’s very dear to me wanted to join the bandwagon, I was devastated to pieces. So I confided in some friends telling them that I had to do something to bring them back together again, only to be chided for being a busybody.
“If the arm is rotten, I would chop it off,” said one. “He had already moved on. What’s more to say?” said another. “Do they still love each other?”

I guess these are all the common reasons in our unforgiving world today for throwing in the towel because we have evolved to be people full of pride and who can’t endure prolonged emotional pain.

If a spouse had been unfaithful, the other might be filled with so much humiliation and pain that he/she would cut loose in order to feel that he/she is regaining control again. If the love in a marriage had mysteriously dissolved into nothingness, should the couple call it quits? If these are the reasons for divorces today, then I think the divorce rate will eventually increase to 80-90%. People will need to be married at least twice in order to learn the true meaning of a marriage.

Many people seem to think that marriage is simply a legal document but failed to realise that it is also an entity. But unlike a business organisation, this entity doesn't require a capital to be invested in monetary terms. Instead, it does require the recipients involved to promise to love each other all the days of their lives, in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor, in good and bad times, till death would they part. I wonder how many people realise what an immense commitment this is. That's why the ones who do either decide never to get married, or simply commit themselves completely to that promise.

Is love even needed? Most definitely, because how else can it be possible to live with this same person for the rest of our lives when we've seen the worst of them? In the same context reversed, why else would our partners put up with our crap? I’m not even sure if it was the influence of the media that gave us the ‘happily ever after’ fantasy, that love had to exist throughout a marriage. Does love include having feelings for our partners? Contrary to popular belief, being in love injects us with those butterfly feelings for our partners, while love is a decision, not a feeling. So just because we've lost feelings for our spouses after being married to them for decades, should we divorce them? We'll be very blessed if we can still manage to stay in love with our spouses after decades, but how do you suppose our ancestors can still manage to stay married till the day one of them departs? It was simply a decision.

I'm not disapproving divorces either because I believe that it can sometimes save lives or preserve sanity. But I am concerned more about people getting hitched out of fear of loneliness instead of two emotionally complete people who appreciate and love each other for who they already are, coming together. If the sole purpose of marriage is to set up a family, would you divorce your spouse if both of you later learn that one of you is unable to do so?

We are currently more empowered than in previous times as loads of information and professional help are readily available at our disposals to spice up our marriages or resolve any issues, although both parties must ultimately decide to work out any differences.

But of course, a marriage isn't simply full of problems and setbacks. It's really about experiencing life together. The good and the bad. The healthy and the sick. The rich and the poor. Together.