White Flag for Surrendered or Peace?

I remember as I was dating as a young adult, we would be considered lucky women if our boyfriends allowed us to dominate our relationships. If our men didn't listen to our instructions or heed our advice, it would mean that they didn't love us enough. This may be the norm in many new relationships with young couples, but as they matured, some couples might begin to realise their rightful positions in their households, while others still allowed the women to wear the pants in the marriage.

I finally succumbed to my temptation to write this entry when I’ve heard all too many times about the dissolution of numerous marriages due to irreconcilable differences like a previously ‘hen-pecked’ husband who refused to give in anymore, and a domineering wife who couldn’t stomach the loss of her ‘power’. Sometimes, even when the wife had come to the realisation that she had to let the man lead the marriage, the husband would have experienced the sweet taste of ‘freedom’ that the thought of having to go back to a once oppressed marriage would have been like asking a child to be friends again with a dog which had once bitten him.

I know that sounded like a rather harsh analogy, and the wives might probably feel insulted by this, especially when you consider that your relationship was built on love and after all the history you’ve accumulated together, surely your marriage would be able to withstand a mere temptation of a possible liberation, right?

Not quite.

So I’m suggesting that wives should submit to their husbands. Yes, you heard right. And yes, this is the year 2010.

I’m not trying to spark another drawn out debate on women’s rights and the oppression of women for centuries prior to the liberalisation of women. But just look around us. The divorce rate in the last two decades had been escalating incredibly. Our local men are marrying our regional Asian counterparts because they’re convinced that we’re too domineering while they are more submissive. Our local women are marrying Caucasian men because we believe they’re more sensitive, expressive and romantic. I have nothing against inter-racial or inter-national marriages by the way.

I know ‘submissive’ has been quite a taboo word especially in a developed country such as ours because being a submissive wife supposedly means that we have to serve our husbands like kings. So in a highly affluent society such as ours, where women are highly-educated, taking on high-ranking positions in the corporate world, most people (even the men) would think it’s impossible for such women to be submissive.
Firstly, let’s define what being submissive in today’s context is not. Being submissive doesn’t mean that wives don’t have an opinion of their own. It doesn’t mean they have to comply with every whim and fancy of their husbands. And it certainly doesn’t mean that wives are to take over all the household chores.

It’s about accepting the fact and setting the expectation that the husband should take the lead. Regardless of whether the wives may really be smarter, more intellectual or more intuitive than their husbands, wives should simply leave their high-powered job roles at the foot of their doors and come home to be the women their husbands fell in love with. Despite a wife’s best intentions to improve her man, she should leave the nagging, criticisms and dominance to the other woman: his mother.

You’ll be surprised that when you give your man the respect he needs (not deserves), he’ll love you more for it. And when he starts becoming more affectionate to you again, you’ll fall in love with him all over again.

Here’s an excerpt from the book “The Surrendered Wife - A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace With a Man” by Laura Doyle:

"In marriage, as in ballroom dancing, one must lead and the other must follow. This is not to say that both roles are not equally important. It is rare that I find a woman who can resist 'backleading.'
"I did everything he did," Ginger Rogers once said about Fred Astaire. "And I did it backwards, and in high heels." Although Fred and Ginger were equally skilled and talented dancers, if they had both tried to lead (or follow), they would have been pulling each other in opposite directions. Quite simply, they would not be in sync, but rather would be tripping over each other and eventually pulling apart. Instead, Ginger let Fred lead her, trusting that he was making her look good and keeping her from harm. Instead of Fred diminishing her, Ginger allowed him to be the foil - the partner - for her talent.”

Happiness Comes From Within

What makes us happy? Owning our very first home, getting married, finally getting our dream car, or simply hanging out with some good company? Then why is it that a friend I know has all these but still isn't happy? Why were there multi-billionaires who decided to commit suicide after losing multi-billions yet still have a few billions left?

We were taught since we're children that in order for us to be successful, we have to study hard, get good grades, get a good job, get promoted, get married, have children and teach them to do the same. But no one ever said anything about happiness, did they? It was only assumed through the public media and the facade that friends put up that happiness will come upon attaining these. What we don't see behind those smiles and glossy ads are feelings of loneliness in million-dollar apartments, waiting up till late nights for spouses to return home from work, disappointed children whose parents broke their promises to spend time with them.

And we wondered why the divorce rate is ever increasing despite couples having had children, successful careers and in some cases, going into retirement. Aren't these people supposed to be happy?

If you haven't already noticed the one thing that all these people have in common, is that these people's happiness is dependant on material possessions, status or other human beings.

Now let's take my friend for example. He's a happily married millionaire with 2 beautiful children, whose business comes easily for him. But in the past 3 years I've known him, he had been so depressed that he had left town without a word at least 5 times to do some 'soul-searching'. He is so attached to the label of being the best in the company that he couldn't accept it when the group he's managing isn't the best. He simply couldn't associate himself with anything lesser than the best.

So if the world's idea of having lots of money to be happy doesn't really give us happiness, what does?

Firstly, let’s qualify what ‘happiness’ is. The popularly known definition in our society of ‘happiness’ is an emotional reaction to a pleasant event. So it's obviously impossible for anyone to be happy all the time because pleasant events don't always happen. However, inner peace is a state of mind that can be practiced as and when required. But how is inner peace defined? Just recall the last time you had no complaints at all, you're not worried about what's to come at work the next day and you begin to be contented with whatever you already have now: a roof over your head, clothes on your back, food on the table and someone to love.

So which would you prefer to own? A volatile emotion called 'happiness', that is dependant on external forces, or inner peace? I have chosen the latter, and I don't spend my time away in search of 'happiness' anymore. If it comes, I simply enjoy the moment and not be addicted to that high feeling of exhilaration. I'm at peace with the Now. Are you?

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet. - James Openheim

Time Lost Forever

I've been wanting to write an article on punctuality but haven't been quite motivated to do so without sounding petty. But recently, I was newly inspired to pen down some thoughts about this.

These days, tardiness is so rampant so much so that most people would not think too much about it. For instance, the bulk of the guests in a wedding banquet usually arrives about 45 minutes late and the newly weds would still be completely unfazed by it.

And with the advent of the mobile phone, we simply need to text a message to the other party that we're unable to arrive on time and it would seemingly cushion the effect of our tardiness. So if we had informed the other party 30 minutes before our appointed time to re-schedule to a later time, would we still be considered as late?

I wondered if anyone had ever regarded tardiness as a character flaw. When a person has promised to meet another person at an appointed time only to turn up 30 minutes or more later, regardless if this person had later informed the other at the appointed time that he/she would be late, the latecomer basically doesn't respect the other person's time.

If this isn't a character flaw, why would we not turn up late for an interview? If this is not a display of disrespect to another person's time, why do theatres not allow attendees to a performance 30 minutes after they have started?

If we thought we've never stolen anything before in our lives but have been late for an appointment before, guess what? To some people, we could be a thief because we've stolen a person's time. I know what you're thinking. What is 5 minutes right? I'd say the same if I was the one who's late. But just think about what one can do in 5 minutes. A stock could suddenly soar and a fortune could have been made in just a mere 5 minutes. A sales personnel could convince an order processing assistant to stay for another 5 minutes to help process a last order which could make that sales personnel the top sales person of the month. Anyone could have been able to Google anything and learnt something new over the internet in 5 minutes.

My gripe is of course not in the 5 minutes lost. It is basically about people's disrespect for other people's time. Plans are made so that our time can be managed well enough not to lose it. No money can buy lost time. I'm also not saying that we should throw spontaneity out the window by planning everything to the precise minute. But having to wait for someone who's late for more than half an hour and nothing else to do is definitely not my idea of spontaneity.

I know this is all making me sound like a time lord. That's if you don't know me in person. Because if you did, you'll know that some of my closest friends are perpetual latecomers. But I love them regardless of their flaws and beauty. I love them as they are. So instead of getting myself worked up, I know them enough to estimate roughly how late they will be and I'll simply come later than our appointed time and still be punctual.

All of us are living in a fast-paced world where we use our time to earn a living. So when a client or the boss wants our time at a short notice, we'll oblige even though we've already made plans to meet someone. So if we're able to inform that someone as early as possible that we're going to be held up, that person would have the freedom to decide if he/she can afford to meet later or perhaps bring a book or magazine along to read while waiting. All of us have the right to choose how we want to spend our time, and not to have someone else decide that for us.

“If I have made an appointment with you, I owe you punctuality, I have no right to throw away your time, if I do my own.”
- Richard Cecil, English Author

Staying Knotted

I believe we can never stop learning about life’s mysteries.

It hadn’t really bothered me before that the divorce rate in Singapore had been increasing year after year. When I hear of yet another couple filing for a divorce, the response had been no different from one I would use when someone tells me that his/her dog just died.

Then when a couple who’s very dear to me wanted to join the bandwagon, I was devastated to pieces. So I confided in some friends telling them that I had to do something to bring them back together again, only to be chided for being a busybody.
“If the arm is rotten, I would chop it off,” said one. “He had already moved on. What’s more to say?” said another. “Do they still love each other?”

I guess these are all the common reasons in our unforgiving world today for throwing in the towel because we have evolved to be people full of pride and who can’t endure prolonged emotional pain.

If a spouse had been unfaithful, the other might be filled with so much humiliation and pain that he/she would cut loose in order to feel that he/she is regaining control again. If the love in a marriage had mysteriously dissolved into nothingness, should the couple call it quits? If these are the reasons for divorces today, then I think the divorce rate will eventually increase to 80-90%. People will need to be married at least twice in order to learn the true meaning of a marriage.

Many people seem to think that marriage is simply a legal document but failed to realise that it is also an entity. But unlike a business organisation, this entity doesn't require a capital to be invested in monetary terms. Instead, it does require the recipients involved to promise to love each other all the days of their lives, in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor, in good and bad times, till death would they part. I wonder how many people realise what an immense commitment this is. That's why the ones who do either decide never to get married, or simply commit themselves completely to that promise.

Is love even needed? Most definitely, because how else can it be possible to live with this same person for the rest of our lives when we've seen the worst of them? In the same context reversed, why else would our partners put up with our crap? I’m not even sure if it was the influence of the media that gave us the ‘happily ever after’ fantasy, that love had to exist throughout a marriage. Does love include having feelings for our partners? Contrary to popular belief, being in love injects us with those butterfly feelings for our partners, while love is a decision, not a feeling. So just because we've lost feelings for our spouses after being married to them for decades, should we divorce them? We'll be very blessed if we can still manage to stay in love with our spouses after decades, but how do you suppose our ancestors can still manage to stay married till the day one of them departs? It was simply a decision.

I'm not disapproving divorces either because I believe that it can sometimes save lives or preserve sanity. But I am concerned more about people getting hitched out of fear of loneliness instead of two emotionally complete people who appreciate and love each other for who they already are, coming together. If the sole purpose of marriage is to set up a family, would you divorce your spouse if both of you later learn that one of you is unable to do so?

We are currently more empowered than in previous times as loads of information and professional help are readily available at our disposals to spice up our marriages or resolve any issues, although both parties must ultimately decide to work out any differences.

But of course, a marriage isn't simply full of problems and setbacks. It's really about experiencing life together. The good and the bad. The healthy and the sick. The rich and the poor. Together.

I Believe in You

I was just watching Seabiscuit the other night, and as touted by a good friend of mine, was rather inspiring. It wasn’t exactly one of those inspiring stories which would blow our minds or leave us pondering for days after that. It was just a simple and heart-warming story. Despite its simplicity, the moral that it was driving at can only be displayed through us, human beings, even though the story was centered around a horse.

For the benefit of those who didn’t catch the movie, this was as written in its plot summary:
In an era when Americans were in great need of heroic figures to help them forget their troubles, SEABISCUIT comes to the rescue. The picture relates a moving story of friendship and devotion in rehabilitating the main characters' fractured lives, as it interweaves the interactions between horse, jockey, trainer and owner and their adoring fans. The film accurately portrays the real people and events of those troubled times and how Seabiscuit "fixed us, every one of us."

The jockey, trainer and the horse were all viewed upon by society as failures and nobody took them seriously. The four of them, including Seabiscuit were brought together simply because the owner saw something unique in the trainer despite being a little ‘broken’. Amidst adversities, the union brought about numerous wins and captured the hearts of many.

Now how often do we have the faith and belief of our friends or loved ones that we’ll succeed even though we’ve failed so many times? And I don’t mean those people who pat you on your back and say in a bubbly, high-pitched tone, “aiya you can do it lah!” That sounded more like someone thinking, I better seem supportive so that in case this loser really succeeds, he/she would remember that I supported him/her and will hopefully share his/her wealth with me in the future. Or in a more politically-correct term, patronising.

Would you buy a racehorse which was smaller in size as compared with the other horses, had never won a race and had a track record of being lazy? So what was it that the trainer and the jockey saw in Seabiscuit that the rest of the world couldn’t see initially? I’m sure you’ve heard that many success stories came from people who were one or many-time failures. Bill Gates was a Harvard dropout. Sim Wong Hoo managed to attain his Polytechnic Diploma by scrapping through his exams. Tom Cruise was born dyslexic. Yeah, we’ve heard them all. But yet, why do we still so quickly doubt a friend’s or loved one’s ability to succeed?

Now let’s imagine that you were approached by a consultant in a fairly new spa and after a presentation of its benefits decided to buy a course of spa treatments. You most likely would have no idea of what kind of background the consultant came from as well as the background of the owner of the spa. You simply made your decision to buy the package because you had faith that the spa will still be in existence for many years to come and offer you the benefits as promised.

Let’s now imagine that it’s a friend who set up this spa and came to you and asked you to part with over $1,000 to get that same course of spa treatments. You’re also aware that this friend of yours is quite a dreamer and have tried many new career pursuits. Would you still buy that spa package?

So my takeaway for this entry here before I call it a day is that sometimes in order to have faith in someone, success is irrelevant.

The Reality of Tying the Knot

I had a misconception once about what I thought a marriage was supposed to be. It seemed like the 'normal' thing to do once we've come of age and attached to someone for a reasonable period of time. I thought that marriage was the end of the dating game and the start of another game called 'playing house'. My ex and I sure enjoyed 'playing house' during the first year of our marriage and it was a really blissful novelty of a life. When the novelty wore off, I realised what a mistake I had made. I only liked the idea of a marriage but I didn't exactly marry the man whom I loved. I married him simply because he was the man I was still attached to at the time when I fell in love with the concept of marriage.

So to cut a long story short, I later discovered that my ex had been cheating on me with many women. I wanted to give him a chance to save our marriage provided he gave up this philandering lifestyle of his but he refused. Well, at least one of us came into the marriage well aware of the life that was expected. My ex wanted a happy family with a string of women he could date at his whim and fancy.

I have also known of many couples who were almost forced into marriage due to their circumstances or pressure. Of course there were also the fairytale couples who got married simply because they loved each other. But whatever the reasons, most of us weren't quite expecting what marriage had in-stored for us.

I know of a couple who've been together for over a decade, but at the first trouble the wife was put through, the husband bailed, despite the wife standing by him through all his previous troubles.

Another husband I know is also having trouble in his marriage but still can't quite make up his mind on whether to file for the divorce or work on the marriage. So he chose to live in denial by not addressing the problem, while trying his hand in dating so that maybe finding someone else will motivate him to end his marriage.
I know all these examples are making the men look really immature, but I'm sure there are also women behaving in this same way. I just don't know of any within my circle of friends, so please forgive me because that is not my intention.

My intention, however, is to help people realise that a high level of respect and maturity is required for a successful marriage. A successful marriage isn't one without dysfunctions. A successful marriage could even be one which had suffered infidelity or abuse. But a successful marriage is definitely one where both spouses are mature enough to solve a problem together regardless of how difficult, painful or prolonged it is. It's just the same as when a problem arises in an organisation, we can never simply sweep it under the carpet and pretend that it never existed. But why is it that we're willing to resolve issues for an organisation which we might be bound to up till retirement but not resolve issues with our spouses whom we are bound to for the rest of our lives?

So for those who have an issue with committing to marriage for fear that you'll contribute to the statistics of the divorce rate, you simply need to love your partner enough to respect his/her effort to be with you. You might think that you're making a huge sacrifice by staying exclusive to one man/woman for the rest of your life. But in case you don't already know, so is your partner. Regardless of how fortunate or grateful you think your partner should be that you chose him/her, there will definitely be someone else out there who will appreciate him/her just as much. I guarantee it!

And once you understand that you're in this for the long haul, you'll also realise that for two people to be living together for the rest of their lives in harmony, communication is crucial because we must never assume that having been together long enough gives us telepathic abilities. There's never an issue which is too trivial to be trashed out because it's also the accumulation of many trivial issues that causes explosive outbursts in a relationship.

So in my opinion, two simple rules for a long-lasting marriage. Don't agree? I'll dare you to a debate to prove that it all boils down to two simple attributes. Try me.

Think and You Shall Receive

If you’ve been reading my previous blogs, you’ll realise that I discuss a lot about the power of our minds. Now let me put it out to you that our minds are so powerful that if we only need to focus, we can have anything we want. Regardless of whether it’s prosperity, loving relationships, health or anything we can conceive, we can have it.

Before you start thinking that I’m blabbering about my ‘power of the mind’ crap again, let’s talk about this more theoretically. I’m sure you must have heard it thousands of times that our lives are in our hands. As much as we always agree with that, do we actually believe it? So what do you believe? Do you believe in the universe? Do you believe in the solar system? So you must also believe in the existence of our planet Earth, which contains human beings such as ourselves. And within each human being is the organs system, which contains cells, which contains molecules, which contains atoms and finally, deep beneath all that, is energy. We are energy, and we are an energy source which would have enough power to illuminate a city for a week!

So if we actually radiate energy, we should also be able to feel the energy or vibration of others. But have you thought about what kind of energy we're emitting to the world?

Lisa Nichols, a motivational speaker and powerful advocate of personal empowerment and emotional healthiness, used to think that the only way she could gain love was through sex. So she jumped from one sexual partner to another just to get a little love, until she chanced upon The Secret. Through this theology, she learnt that the reason why she couldn’t find a man to love her was because she couldn’t love herself. She couldn’t love herself because she felt that she didn’t deserve it. And when she felt this way, she sent out a subconscious negative vibration to men who would then subconsciously receive it and get the impression that she’s only good for casual relationships. We become what we think. If we think that nobody will love us for who we are because we are not physically attractive, not intelligent, not rich or whatever lame excuses we can conjure up, nobody will love us.

So now that you’ve gotten a brief idea of the concept of the Law of Vibration, you’ll probably understand how the Law of Attraction works. Have you had a day that had gone so bad that just when you thought your day couldn’t get any worse, it did? Is it all a coincidence? Our unfavourable circumstances will always become more unfavourable if we keep using our energies to focus on the unfavourable areas of our lives. We would practically be feeding these negativities with more power to manifest into something that is more negative through the Law of Attraction. But if we learn to shift our focus to the more positive aspects of our lives like having a job, clothes on our backs, someone who loves us, enough money to buy our favourite coffee, and simply be grateful for what we already have, positivity WILL be attracted to us. I guarantee it!

So instead of thinking about how little money you have in your bank account, think about how much you can save if you take the bus instead of a cab, where ‘save’ is the objective word which means you have an abundance. Instead of dreading illness, love good health. Instead of thinking about how obedient other people’s children are, be grateful that you have children to love. That is why even Mother Theresa would never attend an Anti-war rally, but would instead definitely attend a Peace rally. See the difference?

When we start thinking positively, we become happy. When we’re happy, we become inspired. When we’re inspired, we become creative. When we become creative, we discover new ways of improving our work and ultimately reaping the results of our good works.

So never under-estimate the power of our minds or think that we can only achieve so much, because our bodies are distracting us from who we really are. Our bodies are simply physical components that carries out what our minds visualise ourselves to do.

“Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe it, can achieve it.”
- W. Clement Stone